This story has to be told in parts because it is still unfolding before me, with all the mystery, magic, and terror of any twin flame encounter.
After the whole experience with the void, I was looking for some direction. Something lies beyond, obviously, because I was still breathing. Kabbalah drew my attention, because they speak of crossing the abyss through a kind of death, and resurfacing on the other side. It seemed like these teachings might actually account for the void, and serve as a guideline for post-void recovery, if there were such a thing. I enrolled in an online class that began in January 2012.
It soon became obvious I had chosen the wrong school (too analytical, no applied mysticism), and I decided to end my studies with them. They had a private Facebook page, and there were five people I enjoyed talking with, so they joined my personal friend list.
Steve was among these five. I recognized him as a kindred soul from his first post, but that isn’t unusual for me. Shortly after I left the Kabbalah group, I spent three nights journeying to hang out with someone I didn’t recognize. I journey at night occasionally, never by conscious choice, I get pulled out to do whatever work comes up, but never just to chat, and never three nights in a row. At one point on the second night I asked who I was visiting and clearly heard Steve. Now that’s weird. I thought about asking him if he remembered anything about the journey, but decided it was strange even for me, so I just tried to ignore it… because that works, right?
A couple months later, I started waking up in the middle of the night, usually for three nights in a row, with the feeling that Steve was in danger and I needed to help him. Now, I sometimes dream about people who are calling for help, and I contact them, and the dreams stop. Maybe we chat a bit, maybe I do some energy work, we both feel better, and I can sleep properly again. By itself, this isn’t a big deal. But I’d never met Steve in person, or even messaged him privately. That’s going to be a fun message: “I know you don’t really know me, but I keep dreaming about you. I promise I’m not a stalker, I just want some uninterrupted sleep.” Nice. After three months of this monthly sleep disruption pattern, that’s pretty much what I wrote to him.
He actually took it quite well, as he has all my insanity since then, but was resistant to letting me do energy work at that point. So we continued this way for another six months, disrupting my sleep and writing to him in support, and the whole time I’m thinking I must have been this guy’s mother in our last life. I am way too concerned with his wellbeing. In July 2013 he finally let me do the energy work that usually realigns people enough that I stop dreaming about them. Thank Goddess! I’m finally done here! Famous last words. I had a couple more dreams about him, but it was definitely better, and by this time we had become friends, so it wasn’t quite so weird.
I had put the whole thing to rest in my mind, until late January 2014. I was driving along singing (poorly), and suddenly I’m talking to Steve. That’s random, I thought, and just let it go. The next week I was grocery shopping and I’m suddenly talking to him again. Literally, my mind went from the shopping list to a full-blown conversation about quitting smoking. Huh. I don’t even smoke. Does he? After I got back to my car, I thought about how that happened. The only other time I experience anything like that is when I speak telepathically with Adriane, my sister twin flame.
I emailed Steve to see if he was aware of the conversations, and though he was aware they happened, he thought he was just talking to himself, not to me. I supplied the details of the conversations, so he would know we were talking telepathically. He asked how this happens, and I’m pretty sure I said, “I don’t fucking know!” I still hadn’t recognized him as a twin flame, but the weirdness could no longer be denied.
A few weeks later I invited Steve to an online class by Drunvalo Melchizedek (the modern father of Merkaba teachings), but he couldn’t attend. I was already trained as a Merkaba teacher, so I offered to teach him myself, and after thinking it over, he said he was ready. This was our first voice contact. Turns out, voice contact is almost as powerful as eye contact for twins, whether you recognize them or not. The training went fine, and I don’t know that he felt anything at all, but my world shifted dramatically.
I was talking to Adriane about how my love for him kept intensifying, the unconditional kind, not the romantic kind, like a pure white and gold cord from my heart to his. In her infinite wisdom, she told me to just feel what I feel. Quite possibly the best and most destructive advice I’ve ever received. So the next time I meditated, I did just that: opened up fully to that love.
It was like every cell in my body was filled with light, like I was breathing for the first time. In hindsight, I’d call it a Kundalini awakening, and it left me in a state of total bliss for at least two weeks. After I came down from the bliss-trip, I did a lot of reading and found that most of my experiences were typical of twin flames. Now I knew who he was on a soul level, but still had no indication of the role he would play in this life… Brother? Lover? Friend? All that mattered to me was that deep, unconditional love.
After I recognized him as a twin, things got really strange, as if they weren’t already. Yes, my experience of Steve is right at the top of my “weird shit” list. Our emotional bodies merged, so I could feel everything he was feeling. I was a Vulcan and he was a Drama Queen. It sucked. I completely lacked the skill set to handle that level of emotion. But at the same time, the world took on a dimension of beauty and wonder that I had never experienced before. Emotion… who knew? I always thought it just looked messy. And then there were the past life dreams and visions, the abrupt increase in intuition, and the random bursts of energy in different chakras. 2014 was a wild ride.
The most profound and lasting part of the whole thing is this upgrade to my heart chakra. I used to be able to love unconditionally, in a limited scope, but normally my love was conditional: I love you like a friend, or like a lover, or like a child, always using some category. Now, my heart is just open or closed, on or off. I completely fall in love with strangers, animals, and random trees. I feel like I live in a Rumi poem. There’s just no explaining that one.
I kept checking with Steve to see what was happening on his end, but he didn’t go though all this. He has always met my insanity with warmth and compassion, though I’m pretty sure there were times he was quite thankful we live 2000 miles apart. Having someone you’ve never met declare their undying love for you can’t be easy to accept. Sometimes I wonder if he actually got the harder job by not recognizing me. It was definitely more work to hold the emotional body for both of us. Vulcan is so much easier.
Does it matter that he didn’t share this experience? Not at all. It has forever changed me and my life’s course, and for that I am eternally grateful. For the first time ever I am happy to be alive. Not that I was unhappy before, just that now I feel like life is an adventure, instead of just a mission. The world is beautiful and the possibilities are endless. Joining that Kabbalah class to recover from the void was exactly what I needed to do, though the remedy came from this twin experience, not the teachings. I feel like I have been drawn back into my body.
So where are we now, at the start of 2015? Right where we need to be, I’m sure. I still haven’t met Steve in person, though we talk regularly, and he seems to have accepted the undying love part. I still feel his ups and downs, but not so dramatically. And most importantly, that heart link is bright and shiny and full of love. I still don’t know the roles we will play in this life, but we’re building a fabulous friendship, which is always the best place to start.
To be continued…