My mission has always been to assist in raising the collective consciousness of humanity. I felt my mission end in October 2008. I thought that’s weird. If the mission is over, why am I still here? Like I would suddenly blink out of existence, or something. A few days later my body started shutting down – I was dying. Nothing gets your attention faster than major organs failing, that’s for sure.
At this point, the anger surged, knowing that I put in all this work and wasn’t going to see the dawn of the New Age in 2012. The mission was successful, but no one asked if I was ready to go. I went into meditation and stormed into the library where the Akashic Records are kept, demanded to rewrite mine, and basically threw a fit like a two-year-old. Turns out they won’t help you unless you act like an adult. I cooled down for a couple days,went back, and rewrote my contract the right way. Two weeks later, I fell into the void.
Flashback 18 years to 1990. After my Grandma died, my Mom appeared to have a psychotic break followed by sever depression. She just wasn’t the same. When I would ask her about it, she would say, “I lost my ego.” I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard. People don’t just lose their ego! Enlightenment is a myth, and she didn’t seem happy at all. Now I get it.
Right before I fell in, I was trying to work out why education doesn’t always expand people’s minds. I would like to think religious extremes could be avoided if only everyone had access to information. But then I kept going back to the Mormons – upper middle class, access to information, and they still believe it’s their duty to baptize by proxy. Really? Why?
The last visual I had was like I was tugging at loose strings on a tapestry, and then I realized it wasn’t lack of education, it was belief systems created by the ego. As soon as I thought that the whole tapestry fell apart, and I thought shit… I’m never getting that put back together. Then it was just dark and silent… for the next sixteen months.
Growing up an Indigo, I alway had open dialog with my guides, visions, and all kinds of extrasensory stuff going on, so when it all quit it was the first time I’d been really alone. Dark and quiet. What can you say about nothing? No chattering mind rambling off grocery lists, no colorful visions of the future, no connection to anyone or anything. No way to get back to the Akashic Records to change my mind. Dark and silent.
A few weeks into this, my Mom asked what was wrong, because I seemed so different. I explained what had happened, and she replied, “Told you I lost my ego.” I apologized profusely, but she wasn’t upset. She said it couldn’t be explained, only experienced. That’s an understatement. I asked her how long it took for her voices to come back, and she said they hadn’t. She was afraid to let them start again for fear she couldn’t stop them.
Screw that. I wanted my ego back. I missed me, and all my invisible friends. I’m not sure if enlightenment is different from ego death, but the latter is more descriptive of the process I went through. Liberating, I’ll give you. Once you see that everything is a story and you lose all attachment, you are under no obligation to believe anyone’s bullshit. Even your own. I did my best to encourage the regrowth of my ego, but every time I would get the monkey mind to start up, I would think yeah, but it’s all made-up, and it would go quiet again.
I learned a couple interesting things during my months in the void. Emotions are primarily a chemical reaction, thus being a physical phenomenon. I would still feel angry or sad, but without the ability to attach a story, the chemicals would run through my system like a quick wave. I couldn’t dwell, because it requires attachment to a story. I also learned that all guided meditation and energy work require the imagination, which is a function of the ego. Without the ego it’s just dark and quiet. Really, really, dark and quiet.
When I try to explain the experience people usually say, “That happened to me once! One time after yoga my mind went totally quiet for like 20 minutes!” Yeah, that’s cute. Sixteen months is a lot of silence. It’s been over six years now, and there are still big holes where I used to be. Ego: you sure will miss it when it’s gone.
My Mom died unexpectedly in March 2010. The only good thing about it was that I could feel some attachment to her and our story together. I thought well, at least maybe I’ll finally get my ego back. Now I refer to this time as the “post-void apocalypse” because after you get liberated, then your shadow gets liberated. It’s really the most horrible thing I’ve ever been through. The ego was there, but it wasn’t integrated with me as the observer. It was more like suddenly sprouting a semi-formed conjoined twin, who is prone to tantrums. It just wasn’t pretty. That lasted another year and a half, or so.
Since then, integration has been slow, but improving. I got my invisible friends and my ability to meditate back just before the apocalypse phase. I still really miss the passion for life. I used to be able to get all wound up about things that upset me, or be really driven by my goals. I can’t quite get there anymore, at least not for any length of time. Part of me always says yeah, but it’s all made up… and it really is.